Swedish House Mafia - Greyhound (Radio Edit)

This track makes me wanna dance like I just received a year's supply of UltraMel custard.
This track makes me wanna dance like I just got some 'special attention' from Minnie Dlamini.
Yo this track right here makes me wanna dance like Jason Derulo and Taio Cruz just got beat up until their faces looked like a half eaten Something Meaty pizza.
For real though this track makes me wanna dance like protesting outside The Goodman Gallery will guarantee jobs for my people.

A date with The Avengers

Real heroes pose with their poo face.

After all the buzz and hype I finally decided to take myself out on a movie date and see The Avengers. I’ve always considered it weird that people go see a movie alone but I realised it’s actually really awesome. In fact going to the movies alone is almost as fulfilling has having sex alone, well just without the dramatic ‘sneeze in your pants’ at the end. I thought going to the movies alone was only reserved for sex offenders and movie critics but I was wrong and The Avengers was the perfect movie for this.  It was also my first 3D experience but unfortunately it added about as much value to the movie as Jik did to Mshoza’s face.

I’m a pretty big Marvel fan and so a movie that had this many Marvel heroes in it really blew me away. The only other place there’s ever been so many stars is probably in-between Kim Kardashian’s thighs.  Each superhero also really had their moment to shine so no matter who your favourite is you get your money’s worth, and a lot of money is definitely being spent as it is now Disney’s highest grossing movie ever and has been number one at the box-office for three consecutive weeks. So I think I’ve found the secret to curbing movie piracy and I’d like to share it with film makers; don’t make crappy movies and unimaginative sequels you then label ‘a movie franchise’. A perfect example is American Pie 15/Reunion or whatever it is their on. Hollywood film makers’ creativity needs to match their love for money or else I’m putting on my eye-patch watching their movies for next to nothing. The Avengers had my full attention from the moment I sat down and it would have taken a natural disaster or diarrhoea to pull me away. This was a much needed addition to the comic book hero genre that definitely deserves all the love it’s getting.

So at a time when Hollywood creativity is probably sitting lower than Joan Rivers' nipples I have to salute the creators of The Avengers for giving us an amazing movie experience that up until now a lot of young movie lovers probably only found in pirated porn movies they got on the internet. If you haven’t seen The Avengers yet I recommend you do so as soon as possible, plus it’s always better on the big screen and all that jazz.  #NoBarryRonge

Best of SAMA 18

The biggest awards show for the South African music industry took place once on the 30^th of April. Poor production value has always overshadowed the awards but this year I think we were all pleasantly surprised.  First was the yellow carpet pre-show Lights Camera Fashion which was very well put together and a relief considering that previous yellow carpet shows wouldn’t have been worth watching even if they had the secret to hitting the Powerball every week. Past SAMA shows in general have been a flop only men with erectile dysfunction could probably relate to. This year was excellent however and I gotta give props to the organisers of the event. 

And I also have to give a special mention to all the beautiful women we have in the SA entertainment industry, such as Bonang, Zizo Beda, Minnie Dlamini, Boity and others. It would be nice to see more of you, I’m not suggesting you make sex-tapes or anything but if you did I would be more than happy to buy them. Say no to piracy and all that stuff.

Now on to the winners:

3 cuts in his eye brow tryin to wild out

Best pop went to Lloyd Cele. The oval shaped Idols runner up did well and showed that talent contest can produce solid careers.

Mouth writing cheques his award cabinet CAN cash out

AKA walked off with best male artist and best street urban hop rap alternative... something. Can the SAMA judges just call it hip hop please?  Couch critics once again went on about how arrogant the dude is.

What can I say about this human fruit salad?

DJ Cleo and his sex slaves a.k.a. The Teddy Bears got The Special Award: Best music download. An award I also like to call “I don’t believe they found people that give a shit about this award”.

Danger, Mampintsha and Mashesha... I think.

Best Kwaito went to Big Nuz. Durban artists are definitely still killing it but I think they should start wearing name tags because like their fellow best group nominees, MiCasa, some people are still convinced it is actually one person, the extra large guy I think.

Best group... oh sorry wrong pic

Well kinda looks the same

 MiCasa won best duo or group and record of the year. Those other two dudes need to step up into the spotlight with the (remind us every week that you’re Portuguese) whit guy now, cos it’s starting to look like one of those fraudulent BEE partnerships. That aside the dudes are making great music.

8th wonder

But the SAMAS were without a doubt Zahara’s night. The awards she won totally overshadowed the recent controversial rumours around TS Records management converting her into their own personal slot machine. Good thing she thanked them in a couple of her acceptance speeches or else we know who wasn’t gonna get air time this month.

Special mentions:

The King Don Father

Shout out to Mandla Spikiri, the kwaito performance was excellent. And much recpect to him and Ishmael for being the coolest grand parents on the music scene.

Witness the fitness

Minnie Dlamini just cos I can and she brought the heat to the awards. I would definitely let you let me hit it on the first date.