SONA2013

I really want to get a better understanding of our country’s political landscape so last night i took another crack at watching the State of the Nation address.  The weather in Cape Town, land of our home grown refugees and fellow “clever blacks”, was perfect and the fashion police had turned a blind eye to the not so glamorous red carpet (no bribes required). This is also probably the only time you’ll ever see the blue light brigade moving slower than service delivery on our roads. The ma of the moment President Jacob Zuma pulled up in a horribly large Mercedes Benz mini bus previously used by Pope John Paul II. It surely had Toyota Quantum drivers and other ambitious Zulu boys losing their minds with excitement.   

Citizen number 1 gave his address with the flu and i only hoped this wouldn’t ruin the rumour he usually spices up his political addresses with. He also opened by mentioning that he had shared some ideas with some of our high school students, which was a nice touch. We can’t have FNB getting all that school kid action. I think high School Musical just got a political twist. Lebo M call me, I’ve got an idea that will make us rich!                                                                                                           I’ve never been good at paying attention to these long political moments but I tried. The Pres went on into his key topics; education, health, crime, employment and rural development and land reform. My listening skills, unfortunately, quickly dropped to a level that just meets the Matric pass mark requirement.  It is always good to hear about ongoing development and positive expenditure though. It was nice to hear that more homes have been added to power grid, this also means of course that there are more for Eskom to milk like they owe Clover a favour. It also pleased me that more schools are to be built but this then again this might only mean more textbooks will be intercepted by Dynamo “Magician Impossible”. 

With regards to unemployment the gist of the issue is that discussions with relevant stake holders are still ongoing. The word discussion sometimes sounds like a euphemism for “we’ve put that shit on ice”.  On a more positive note miners can forward to better pay and employee benefits in future. The term ‘wild cat’ strike still sounds too cool for events that were so tragic. Who came up with that name and why are they letting their obsession with cartoons affect their work?  On the education front the Matric pass rate has improved yet again, possibly because it’s becoming easier to pass? As long as these kids know they can’t pay 33% of the bill when they go on a Lacoste and Ultra Mel shopping spree. And teachers so quick to reject the essential service status makes me feel like they had strikes planned already and now JZ is about to ruin their special leave plans. When the president addressed health and lifestyle issues I waited for my secret crush Lindiwe Mazibuko to correct him and tell him that it’s pronounced obesity and not obaaasity but my weight was in vain.  Then he said some stuff about land reform and the national development plan while I went to get a chocolate from the fridge, or whatever.                                                                                                       The Special Investigation Unit’s activities in combating corruption are great but corruption is a plague we won’t soon be rid of, along with poor service delivery and two-tone weaves.

 J-Zuma also addressed the status of women in the country, an issue we still need to pay way more attention to.  Gender equality and empowerment of women are to get more attention. I can’t believe we’re still trying to get the 50/50 thing right when Prophet Mandoza told us about it so many years ago. Violence against women is and always will be a heavy issue globally and i genuinely hope that one day boys and men will respect all women like the mothers, sisters, aunts, daughters, nieces and loving grandmothers that they are.

Now i know my opinion on the State of The Nation Address is mediocre at best but I’m taking baby steps to becoming a better citizen and putting in more effort into understanding all facets of our political wilderness. One day i too will share my opinion on rural development, the ruling party’s policies and my thoughts on the second phase of the first circumcision, which sounds really sore and unnatural by the way.                                                                                                                             

Citizen number 1 went on to close the State of The Nation Address by wishing everyone a happy Valentine’s Day and would you expect any less from the Nkandla Casanova. Well done sir.



Peace ya'll
 

   

Bye BlackBerry

I guess you know why I had to walk away, when I walked into that Vodashop that was an awesome day. Five Blackberry handsets later, and only in a period of 12 months, I’m losing these phones faster than virginity gets lost during varsity O-week.  I remember my first blackberry and how excited I was to finally chat to friends for “free”.  I took the exercise of loading BIS for the first time as seriously as dark skinned young men take their first car high-jack job.  I’m pretty sure there are fathers out there who don’t announce the birth of their new born baby with half the pride that some people do when they have a new blackberry and the almighty BBM pin to share with their friends and random sexy people. The next step was making sure I’ve got all my necessary contacts so I can live the unlimited communication dream, soon to be a nightmare of course.   And of course before stepping out in public with my new baby I have to flex my tech savvy muscles and grab as much cool free stuff on BlackBerry app world as possible. App World as we know if you’ve ever used an Android or Apple handset is a major exaggeration because maybe App Province would have been a more fitting name to match the limited population of that place.

The Blackberry smart phone dream never lasts long though.  That little black clock that sits on the middle of the phones screen when it’s hanging caused frustration I could only compare to a Chicken Licken cashier’s words on a rough Saturday morning when she informs me that they have run out of wings, as if i’m there because i can’t resist their coleslaw. The technological abomination that is Blackberry unfortunately means that some days you have a handset that makes mobile communication very cost effective and convenient but other days you are the proud owner of what i could only describe as a screen saver on steroids.  But maybe the phone’s constant freezing isn’t such a bad thing, it could just be acting as a counter measure against that quickie-inspired battery life. I’m pretty sure that right now as I write this there is a white Kwaito artist in the Free State bragging about how his music career lasted five minutes longer than his Blackberry battery life.   And when you think you’ve received enough of an emotional thrashing from a silly little cell phone a troop of smug soldiers pop up wielding their iPhones and Samsung Galaxies ready to remind you how archaic and irrelevant your BlackBerry is. Telling them to eat a slice of go-fuck-yourself pie would be so easy and fulfilling if only they weren’t so right and we’re are often forced to admit that our phones are the fax machine of the 21^st century, *bbm sad face*.

I realise I haven’t spoken much about how I actually lost my phones and have chosen to dwell mostly on how the Blackberry has so many flaws, the reason for this is simple, I simply don’t remember any of the evenings when I lost them. A chemical imbalance in my brain caused by ethanol and flashing lights always accompanied the disappearance of my handsets. Although some people also believe that there is a party goblin that follows me around on weekends and waits for the most opportune moment, usually when my body has been dismembered by the explosions from multiple jager-bombs, to take my phones and find them a new owner. Which reminds me that I should give a special mention to the hero’s out there that are the new owners of my phones, illegally, and still choose to boldly march on with my old BBM pins. SCREW YOU!                                              

Blackberry has changed the way we communicate with each other in good and bad ways and i am grateful for that but it’s time for me to move on. I know it won’t be in cell phone heaven with my first phone, a Siemens C25, or my countless Nokias and odd Sony Ericssons but it won’t be soon forgotten. It sits up there with other major disasters like the Titanic and the back of that fat guy’s neck in the OMO ads. Bye blackberry.  

 

Bye Baby