SONA2013

I really want to get a better understanding of our country’s political landscape so last night i took another crack at watching the State of the Nation address.  The weather in Cape Town, land of our home grown refugees and fellow “clever blacks”, was perfect and the fashion police had turned a blind eye to the not so glamorous red carpet (no bribes required). This is also probably the only time you’ll ever see the blue light brigade moving slower than service delivery on our roads. The ma of the moment President Jacob Zuma pulled up in a horribly large Mercedes Benz mini bus previously used by Pope John Paul II. It surely had Toyota Quantum drivers and other ambitious Zulu boys losing their minds with excitement.   

Citizen number 1 gave his address with the flu and i only hoped this wouldn’t ruin the rumour he usually spices up his political addresses with. He also opened by mentioning that he had shared some ideas with some of our high school students, which was a nice touch. We can’t have FNB getting all that school kid action. I think high School Musical just got a political twist. Lebo M call me, I’ve got an idea that will make us rich!                                                                                                           I’ve never been good at paying attention to these long political moments but I tried. The Pres went on into his key topics; education, health, crime, employment and rural development and land reform. My listening skills, unfortunately, quickly dropped to a level that just meets the Matric pass mark requirement.  It is always good to hear about ongoing development and positive expenditure though. It was nice to hear that more homes have been added to power grid, this also means of course that there are more for Eskom to milk like they owe Clover a favour. It also pleased me that more schools are to be built but this then again this might only mean more textbooks will be intercepted by Dynamo “Magician Impossible”. 

With regards to unemployment the gist of the issue is that discussions with relevant stake holders are still ongoing. The word discussion sometimes sounds like a euphemism for “we’ve put that shit on ice”.  On a more positive note miners can forward to better pay and employee benefits in future. The term ‘wild cat’ strike still sounds too cool for events that were so tragic. Who came up with that name and why are they letting their obsession with cartoons affect their work?  On the education front the Matric pass rate has improved yet again, possibly because it’s becoming easier to pass? As long as these kids know they can’t pay 33% of the bill when they go on a Lacoste and Ultra Mel shopping spree. And teachers so quick to reject the essential service status makes me feel like they had strikes planned already and now JZ is about to ruin their special leave plans. When the president addressed health and lifestyle issues I waited for my secret crush Lindiwe Mazibuko to correct him and tell him that it’s pronounced obesity and not obaaasity but my weight was in vain.  Then he said some stuff about land reform and the national development plan while I went to get a chocolate from the fridge, or whatever.                                                                                                       The Special Investigation Unit’s activities in combating corruption are great but corruption is a plague we won’t soon be rid of, along with poor service delivery and two-tone weaves.

 J-Zuma also addressed the status of women in the country, an issue we still need to pay way more attention to.  Gender equality and empowerment of women are to get more attention. I can’t believe we’re still trying to get the 50/50 thing right when Prophet Mandoza told us about it so many years ago. Violence against women is and always will be a heavy issue globally and i genuinely hope that one day boys and men will respect all women like the mothers, sisters, aunts, daughters, nieces and loving grandmothers that they are.

Now i know my opinion on the State of The Nation Address is mediocre at best but I’m taking baby steps to becoming a better citizen and putting in more effort into understanding all facets of our political wilderness. One day i too will share my opinion on rural development, the ruling party’s policies and my thoughts on the second phase of the first circumcision, which sounds really sore and unnatural by the way.                                                                                                                             

Citizen number 1 went on to close the State of The Nation Address by wishing everyone a happy Valentine’s Day and would you expect any less from the Nkandla Casanova. Well done sir.



Peace ya'll
 

   

Bye BlackBerry

I guess you know why I had to walk away, when I walked into that Vodashop that was an awesome day. Five Blackberry handsets later, and only in a period of 12 months, I’m losing these phones faster than virginity gets lost during varsity O-week.  I remember my first blackberry and how excited I was to finally chat to friends for “free”.  I took the exercise of loading BIS for the first time as seriously as dark skinned young men take their first car high-jack job.  I’m pretty sure there are fathers out there who don’t announce the birth of their new born baby with half the pride that some people do when they have a new blackberry and the almighty BBM pin to share with their friends and random sexy people. The next step was making sure I’ve got all my necessary contacts so I can live the unlimited communication dream, soon to be a nightmare of course.   And of course before stepping out in public with my new baby I have to flex my tech savvy muscles and grab as much cool free stuff on BlackBerry app world as possible. App World as we know if you’ve ever used an Android or Apple handset is a major exaggeration because maybe App Province would have been a more fitting name to match the limited population of that place.

The Blackberry smart phone dream never lasts long though.  That little black clock that sits on the middle of the phones screen when it’s hanging caused frustration I could only compare to a Chicken Licken cashier’s words on a rough Saturday morning when she informs me that they have run out of wings, as if i’m there because i can’t resist their coleslaw. The technological abomination that is Blackberry unfortunately means that some days you have a handset that makes mobile communication very cost effective and convenient but other days you are the proud owner of what i could only describe as a screen saver on steroids.  But maybe the phone’s constant freezing isn’t such a bad thing, it could just be acting as a counter measure against that quickie-inspired battery life. I’m pretty sure that right now as I write this there is a white Kwaito artist in the Free State bragging about how his music career lasted five minutes longer than his Blackberry battery life.   And when you think you’ve received enough of an emotional thrashing from a silly little cell phone a troop of smug soldiers pop up wielding their iPhones and Samsung Galaxies ready to remind you how archaic and irrelevant your BlackBerry is. Telling them to eat a slice of go-fuck-yourself pie would be so easy and fulfilling if only they weren’t so right and we’re are often forced to admit that our phones are the fax machine of the 21^st century, *bbm sad face*.

I realise I haven’t spoken much about how I actually lost my phones and have chosen to dwell mostly on how the Blackberry has so many flaws, the reason for this is simple, I simply don’t remember any of the evenings when I lost them. A chemical imbalance in my brain caused by ethanol and flashing lights always accompanied the disappearance of my handsets. Although some people also believe that there is a party goblin that follows me around on weekends and waits for the most opportune moment, usually when my body has been dismembered by the explosions from multiple jager-bombs, to take my phones and find them a new owner. Which reminds me that I should give a special mention to the hero’s out there that are the new owners of my phones, illegally, and still choose to boldly march on with my old BBM pins. SCREW YOU!                                              

Blackberry has changed the way we communicate with each other in good and bad ways and i am grateful for that but it’s time for me to move on. I know it won’t be in cell phone heaven with my first phone, a Siemens C25, or my countless Nokias and odd Sony Ericssons but it won’t be soon forgotten. It sits up there with other major disasters like the Titanic and the back of that fat guy’s neck in the OMO ads. Bye blackberry.  

 

Bye Baby

 

The long arm of the pork

We all want to live in a safe and crime free South Africa and the people we look towards to ensure this our first line of defence is the SAPS and Metro Police. But what are we to think when our law enforcement is as reliable as a condom with ventilation holes? Generally police do their job and there are the few cases of bad apples. The issue I have is not with major crime and incidents that is front page worthy. What I can’t stand is the bacon brigade that is out on our roads looking to make a quick buck and when they can’t do that choose to harass us just because that badge on their chest magically puts them through law school and turns them into prosecutor and judge all in a matter of minutes.

I was recently stopped twice in one day on the road, not by JMPD but by the SAPS, and I had come to find that JMPD were the division more involved in traffic violations, so seeing SAPS taking part in impromptu road-blocks was a bit odd for me, but I guess seeing a large pork chop wearing a blue uniform on the side of the road would be odd for anyone. And of course being stopped on this particular day was an additional problem for me because I was driving without my driver’s license. The police officer that stopped me in the Wynberg area was not interested in giving me a ticket for my violation but was rather more interested in receiving money for “a cold drink”. I informed the human lunch-box that I didn’t have any money on me but he was very persistent. Eventually my brother, who was with me at the time, gave him R8,05. EIGHT RAND AND FIVE CENTS!!! And to my surprise this gentleman was as happy as a pig in mud. This went far better than the officer that stopped me later that day. I refused to give him a cent and he punished me not by giving me a ticket but by making me stand by my vehicle for about half an hour while he stopped and nagged other motorists. I for one applaud visible policing but this unfortunately has become more about how visible their girth has made them and less about how they are upholding the law. Surely in our democratic society we can’t stand by and watch crime prevention tactics be replaced by bullying tactics and they are beginning to make their presence more despicable than a fart in a packed elevator.

As strange as it may seem I wonder if I should maybe sympathise with these officers. Are they so badly paid that they have to resort to doing what I can only describe as a glorified version of what many homeless people do at traffic intersections across the country? Or are they just greedy and lazy? The majority of their waist-lines points towards the latter unfortunately. I really want to feel for our police officers but recurring stories of their misconduct as seen in cases such as ‘Amaberete’ along with numerous other incidents of excessive force and recent reports of police fire-arms  going missing without any consequence, do they deserve even an ounce of sympathy?

 

I would love to end this by giving our law enforcement agencies a bit of advice but I’ve come to find that this is often received with an officer exclaiming “are you telling me how to do my job” and followed by him reaching for his hand-cuffs. I know this sounds crazy but yes it also seems our not so elite crime fighters are able to arrest you for attempting to make a suggestion. We are a wicked society aren’t we, making suggestions and knowing our rights? How dare we?

Where opinions go to die:  a GeezaAllDay and Fana The Purp collaboration 

We seem to have put ourselves in a position where our personal opinions, tastes and preferences are put in front of a faceless firing squad and shot down on a daily basis. This place is the interweb and the shooters’ weapon of choice is social media. Not a day goes by that I don’t see someone’s opinion being attacked by a social network pseudo gangster.

Whether on Facebook, Twitter or even a blog our opinions are under constant attack. I think there are people that literally roam social networks, like extras in MJ’s thriller video, looking for an opinion to shoot down. I’m no angel myself, I have moments where I challenge opinions but, but that’s only naturally. On twitter, for example however it’s not strange to see the obligatory “f*ck your opinion” in response to posted tweet. Some do it as a joke and some do it because their ability to debate a topic is as weak as a Kaizer Chiefs flavoured Panado.

Social network opinion terrorists (SNOT), a mental disturbance that attack three individuals out of five. First individual (opinion maker), the second observes and laughs (matured), the three victims come in a variety of forms.

1. The loyalists SNOT - values and admires a certain individual, thus everything "the star" says is fact, and is never wrong. Disagree with the star, witness an attack of the century. A donkie raping a dog for barking at it, its a beautiful scene - even the SPCA can be like "the dog shouldn't have barked".

2. The Mestrual SNOT - I'm not saying this individual is a tampon but they so close. They overly sensitive, even if you say the rain spoiled your day, they will want to drag God into the matter and hungry children of Ethopia, like really now?
3. Democratic SNOT - Majority rules, if the masses vote against a particular matter they join in, no validation or their own views. This type of SNOT reminds me of that dude we always punk, "today we going to the party without bathing, ashy and all, meet us there ne. Then we rock up all clean, smelling like angels and he looks like a washed up soccer star"

With that said, social media has created micro blogging, twitter specifically. Yet it seems we have to send the memo once again to everyone, as they fail to comprehend the theme. There is no clause when signing up that says, "I xxx promise to tweet, nothing but facts". Sad that, they make it a mission to have our opinions suit their vaginas, my bad meant hearts - same thing.

Now to break it down for your we’d like to give an idea of how these interactions take place, and keep in mind this is fictional and only for illustrative purposes:

1.       GuyX: as a lyricist I think lil wayne spits overrated garbage

KnowITall: whatever, u look like Biggie Smalls nose. Secondly, u probably listen to Apollo u Sotho cum blanket. Shut up punk

2.       GuyX: I love white girls with ass, black girls fall back. It’s over for u, next season maybe

KnowiTall: That AIDS got your head twisted bitch. I bet the white girls u get with are probably gremlins u bitch nigga

3.       GuyX: I don't get why we think it’s wrong to vote DA just cos we're black. DA has good ideas

KnowitAll: your kids will be gardeners, sell out

4.       GuyX: stop bragging about drinking expensive booze, your fridge still empty and your Matric results will not change

KnowiTall: U sour cos u can't afford this lifestyle. I'm sure you're u using a blackberry curve u broke ass

5.       GuyX: I find dark skinned girls more appealing. They just do it for me

Knowitall: I bet you have smelly armpits and short AF. Sies, u don't love yourself, stupid 2min man

I do agree that opinion is and will never be fact thus to a certain extent must be questioned,

depending on its content. The response to opinion should be in the form of debate in order to
inform, understand and/or correct. The line is crossed once, these SNOTS attack one for having an
opinion, using insults that cannot be justified. How do we link one dragging my mom in response to
my opinion on AKA's latest track.

This is just a brief example of how the scourge that is opinion homicide goes down. And it wouldn’t surprise me to find that most of these tough talking opinion bashers are about as menacing as a Sta-Soft refill pack wrapped in cotton wool.   But the question I really want to pose to everyone is do we fight fire with fire, the eye-for-an-eye concept, or do we silently move on and let them argue themselves into social network stupidity? Do we risk looking as foolish as these toothless lions of cyber space? I say no. I say we let them rant on their smart phones and PCs until their fingers look like they’re permanently throwing gang signs. The choice is yours stand firm by your opinion with a bullet proof vest knowing that there are opinion killer gunning for you or publicly challenge them knowing that you risk looking just as foolish as they do.

If one had to state facts only when commenting on different matters, these SNOTS would get angry
until their rectums blow up. Opinions are like assholes, why you offended by the color of the shit my asshole excretes, get a hobby and keep it stepping.

Check more from Fana The Purp on http://fanathepurp.blogspot.com/

Swedish House Mafia - Greyhound (Radio Edit)

This track makes me wanna dance like I just received a year's supply of UltraMel custard.
This track makes me wanna dance like I just got some 'special attention' from Minnie Dlamini.
Yo this track right here makes me wanna dance like Jason Derulo and Taio Cruz just got beat up until their faces looked like a half eaten Something Meaty pizza.
For real though this track makes me wanna dance like protesting outside The Goodman Gallery will guarantee jobs for my people.

A date with The Avengers

Real heroes pose with their poo face.

After all the buzz and hype I finally decided to take myself out on a movie date and see The Avengers. I’ve always considered it weird that people go see a movie alone but I realised it’s actually really awesome. In fact going to the movies alone is almost as fulfilling has having sex alone, well just without the dramatic ‘sneeze in your pants’ at the end. I thought going to the movies alone was only reserved for sex offenders and movie critics but I was wrong and The Avengers was the perfect movie for this.  It was also my first 3D experience but unfortunately it added about as much value to the movie as Jik did to Mshoza’s face.

I’m a pretty big Marvel fan and so a movie that had this many Marvel heroes in it really blew me away. The only other place there’s ever been so many stars is probably in-between Kim Kardashian’s thighs.  Each superhero also really had their moment to shine so no matter who your favourite is you get your money’s worth, and a lot of money is definitely being spent as it is now Disney’s highest grossing movie ever and has been number one at the box-office for three consecutive weeks. So I think I’ve found the secret to curbing movie piracy and I’d like to share it with film makers; don’t make crappy movies and unimaginative sequels you then label ‘a movie franchise’. A perfect example is American Pie 15/Reunion or whatever it is their on. Hollywood film makers’ creativity needs to match their love for money or else I’m putting on my eye-patch watching their movies for next to nothing. The Avengers had my full attention from the moment I sat down and it would have taken a natural disaster or diarrhoea to pull me away. This was a much needed addition to the comic book hero genre that definitely deserves all the love it’s getting.

So at a time when Hollywood creativity is probably sitting lower than Joan Rivers' nipples I have to salute the creators of The Avengers for giving us an amazing movie experience that up until now a lot of young movie lovers probably only found in pirated porn movies they got on the internet. If you haven’t seen The Avengers yet I recommend you do so as soon as possible, plus it’s always better on the big screen and all that jazz.  #NoBarryRonge

Best of SAMA 18

The biggest awards show for the South African music industry took place once on the 30^th of April. Poor production value has always overshadowed the awards but this year I think we were all pleasantly surprised.  First was the yellow carpet pre-show Lights Camera Fashion which was very well put together and a relief considering that previous yellow carpet shows wouldn’t have been worth watching even if they had the secret to hitting the Powerball every week. Past SAMA shows in general have been a flop only men with erectile dysfunction could probably relate to. This year was excellent however and I gotta give props to the organisers of the event. 

And I also have to give a special mention to all the beautiful women we have in the SA entertainment industry, such as Bonang, Zizo Beda, Minnie Dlamini, Boity and others. It would be nice to see more of you, I’m not suggesting you make sex-tapes or anything but if you did I would be more than happy to buy them. Say no to piracy and all that stuff.

Now on to the winners:

3 cuts in his eye brow tryin to wild out

Best pop went to Lloyd Cele. The oval shaped Idols runner up did well and showed that talent contest can produce solid careers.

Mouth writing cheques his award cabinet CAN cash out

AKA walked off with best male artist and best street urban hop rap alternative... something. Can the SAMA judges just call it hip hop please?  Couch critics once again went on about how arrogant the dude is.

What can I say about this human fruit salad?

DJ Cleo and his sex slaves a.k.a. The Teddy Bears got The Special Award: Best music download. An award I also like to call “I don’t believe they found people that give a shit about this award”.

Danger, Mampintsha and Mashesha... I think.

Best Kwaito went to Big Nuz. Durban artists are definitely still killing it but I think they should start wearing name tags because like their fellow best group nominees, MiCasa, some people are still convinced it is actually one person, the extra large guy I think.

Best group... oh sorry wrong pic

Well kinda looks the same

 MiCasa won best duo or group and record of the year. Those other two dudes need to step up into the spotlight with the (remind us every week that you’re Portuguese) whit guy now, cos it’s starting to look like one of those fraudulent BEE partnerships. That aside the dudes are making great music.

8th wonder

But the SAMAS were without a doubt Zahara’s night. The awards she won totally overshadowed the recent controversial rumours around TS Records management converting her into their own personal slot machine. Good thing she thanked them in a couple of her acceptance speeches or else we know who wasn’t gonna get air time this month.

Special mentions:

The King Don Father

Shout out to Mandla Spikiri, the kwaito performance was excellent. And much recpect to him and Ishmael for being the coolest grand parents on the music scene.

Witness the fitness

Minnie Dlamini just cos I can and she brought the heat to the awards. I would definitely let you let me hit it on the first date.