The long arm of the pork

We all want to live in a safe and crime free South Africa and the people we look towards to ensure this our first line of defence is the SAPS and Metro Police. But what are we to think when our law enforcement is as reliable as a condom with ventilation holes? Generally police do their job and there are the few cases of bad apples. The issue I have is not with major crime and incidents that is front page worthy. What I can’t stand is the bacon brigade that is out on our roads looking to make a quick buck and when they can’t do that choose to harass us just because that badge on their chest magically puts them through law school and turns them into prosecutor and judge all in a matter of minutes.

I was recently stopped twice in one day on the road, not by JMPD but by the SAPS, and I had come to find that JMPD were the division more involved in traffic violations, so seeing SAPS taking part in impromptu road-blocks was a bit odd for me, but I guess seeing a large pork chop wearing a blue uniform on the side of the road would be odd for anyone. And of course being stopped on this particular day was an additional problem for me because I was driving without my driver’s license. The police officer that stopped me in the Wynberg area was not interested in giving me a ticket for my violation but was rather more interested in receiving money for “a cold drink”. I informed the human lunch-box that I didn’t have any money on me but he was very persistent. Eventually my brother, who was with me at the time, gave him R8,05. EIGHT RAND AND FIVE CENTS!!! And to my surprise this gentleman was as happy as a pig in mud. This went far better than the officer that stopped me later that day. I refused to give him a cent and he punished me not by giving me a ticket but by making me stand by my vehicle for about half an hour while he stopped and nagged other motorists. I for one applaud visible policing but this unfortunately has become more about how visible their girth has made them and less about how they are upholding the law. Surely in our democratic society we can’t stand by and watch crime prevention tactics be replaced by bullying tactics and they are beginning to make their presence more despicable than a fart in a packed elevator.

As strange as it may seem I wonder if I should maybe sympathise with these officers. Are they so badly paid that they have to resort to doing what I can only describe as a glorified version of what many homeless people do at traffic intersections across the country? Or are they just greedy and lazy? The majority of their waist-lines points towards the latter unfortunately. I really want to feel for our police officers but recurring stories of their misconduct as seen in cases such as ‘Amaberete’ along with numerous other incidents of excessive force and recent reports of police fire-arms  going missing without any consequence, do they deserve even an ounce of sympathy?

 

I would love to end this by giving our law enforcement agencies a bit of advice but I’ve come to find that this is often received with an officer exclaiming “are you telling me how to do my job” and followed by him reaching for his hand-cuffs. I know this sounds crazy but yes it also seems our not so elite crime fighters are able to arrest you for attempting to make a suggestion. We are a wicked society aren’t we, making suggestions and knowing our rights? How dare we?

Where opinions go to die:  a GeezaAllDay and Fana The Purp collaboration 

We seem to have put ourselves in a position where our personal opinions, tastes and preferences are put in front of a faceless firing squad and shot down on a daily basis. This place is the interweb and the shooters’ weapon of choice is social media. Not a day goes by that I don’t see someone’s opinion being attacked by a social network pseudo gangster.

Whether on Facebook, Twitter or even a blog our opinions are under constant attack. I think there are people that literally roam social networks, like extras in MJ’s thriller video, looking for an opinion to shoot down. I’m no angel myself, I have moments where I challenge opinions but, but that’s only naturally. On twitter, for example however it’s not strange to see the obligatory “f*ck your opinion” in response to posted tweet. Some do it as a joke and some do it because their ability to debate a topic is as weak as a Kaizer Chiefs flavoured Panado.

Social network opinion terrorists (SNOT), a mental disturbance that attack three individuals out of five. First individual (opinion maker), the second observes and laughs (matured), the three victims come in a variety of forms.

1. The loyalists SNOT - values and admires a certain individual, thus everything "the star" says is fact, and is never wrong. Disagree with the star, witness an attack of the century. A donkie raping a dog for barking at it, its a beautiful scene - even the SPCA can be like "the dog shouldn't have barked".

2. The Mestrual SNOT - I'm not saying this individual is a tampon but they so close. They overly sensitive, even if you say the rain spoiled your day, they will want to drag God into the matter and hungry children of Ethopia, like really now?
3. Democratic SNOT - Majority rules, if the masses vote against a particular matter they join in, no validation or their own views. This type of SNOT reminds me of that dude we always punk, "today we going to the party without bathing, ashy and all, meet us there ne. Then we rock up all clean, smelling like angels and he looks like a washed up soccer star"

With that said, social media has created micro blogging, twitter specifically. Yet it seems we have to send the memo once again to everyone, as they fail to comprehend the theme. There is no clause when signing up that says, "I xxx promise to tweet, nothing but facts". Sad that, they make it a mission to have our opinions suit their vaginas, my bad meant hearts - same thing.

Now to break it down for your we’d like to give an idea of how these interactions take place, and keep in mind this is fictional and only for illustrative purposes:

1.       GuyX: as a lyricist I think lil wayne spits overrated garbage

KnowITall: whatever, u look like Biggie Smalls nose. Secondly, u probably listen to Apollo u Sotho cum blanket. Shut up punk

2.       GuyX: I love white girls with ass, black girls fall back. It’s over for u, next season maybe

KnowiTall: That AIDS got your head twisted bitch. I bet the white girls u get with are probably gremlins u bitch nigga

3.       GuyX: I don't get why we think it’s wrong to vote DA just cos we're black. DA has good ideas

KnowitAll: your kids will be gardeners, sell out

4.       GuyX: stop bragging about drinking expensive booze, your fridge still empty and your Matric results will not change

KnowiTall: U sour cos u can't afford this lifestyle. I'm sure you're u using a blackberry curve u broke ass

5.       GuyX: I find dark skinned girls more appealing. They just do it for me

Knowitall: I bet you have smelly armpits and short AF. Sies, u don't love yourself, stupid 2min man

I do agree that opinion is and will never be fact thus to a certain extent must be questioned,

depending on its content. The response to opinion should be in the form of debate in order to
inform, understand and/or correct. The line is crossed once, these SNOTS attack one for having an
opinion, using insults that cannot be justified. How do we link one dragging my mom in response to
my opinion on AKA's latest track.

This is just a brief example of how the scourge that is opinion homicide goes down. And it wouldn’t surprise me to find that most of these tough talking opinion bashers are about as menacing as a Sta-Soft refill pack wrapped in cotton wool.   But the question I really want to pose to everyone is do we fight fire with fire, the eye-for-an-eye concept, or do we silently move on and let them argue themselves into social network stupidity? Do we risk looking as foolish as these toothless lions of cyber space? I say no. I say we let them rant on their smart phones and PCs until their fingers look like they’re permanently throwing gang signs. The choice is yours stand firm by your opinion with a bullet proof vest knowing that there are opinion killer gunning for you or publicly challenge them knowing that you risk looking just as foolish as they do.

If one had to state facts only when commenting on different matters, these SNOTS would get angry
until their rectums blow up. Opinions are like assholes, why you offended by the color of the shit my asshole excretes, get a hobby and keep it stepping.

Check more from Fana The Purp on http://fanathepurp.blogspot.com/

Swedish House Mafia - Greyhound (Radio Edit)

This track makes me wanna dance like I just received a year's supply of UltraMel custard.
This track makes me wanna dance like I just got some 'special attention' from Minnie Dlamini.
Yo this track right here makes me wanna dance like Jason Derulo and Taio Cruz just got beat up until their faces looked like a half eaten Something Meaty pizza.
For real though this track makes me wanna dance like protesting outside The Goodman Gallery will guarantee jobs for my people.

A date with The Avengers

Real heroes pose with their poo face.

After all the buzz and hype I finally decided to take myself out on a movie date and see The Avengers. I’ve always considered it weird that people go see a movie alone but I realised it’s actually really awesome. In fact going to the movies alone is almost as fulfilling has having sex alone, well just without the dramatic ‘sneeze in your pants’ at the end. I thought going to the movies alone was only reserved for sex offenders and movie critics but I was wrong and The Avengers was the perfect movie for this.  It was also my first 3D experience but unfortunately it added about as much value to the movie as Jik did to Mshoza’s face.

I’m a pretty big Marvel fan and so a movie that had this many Marvel heroes in it really blew me away. The only other place there’s ever been so many stars is probably in-between Kim Kardashian’s thighs.  Each superhero also really had their moment to shine so no matter who your favourite is you get your money’s worth, and a lot of money is definitely being spent as it is now Disney’s highest grossing movie ever and has been number one at the box-office for three consecutive weeks. So I think I’ve found the secret to curbing movie piracy and I’d like to share it with film makers; don’t make crappy movies and unimaginative sequels you then label ‘a movie franchise’. A perfect example is American Pie 15/Reunion or whatever it is their on. Hollywood film makers’ creativity needs to match their love for money or else I’m putting on my eye-patch watching their movies for next to nothing. The Avengers had my full attention from the moment I sat down and it would have taken a natural disaster or diarrhoea to pull me away. This was a much needed addition to the comic book hero genre that definitely deserves all the love it’s getting.

So at a time when Hollywood creativity is probably sitting lower than Joan Rivers' nipples I have to salute the creators of The Avengers for giving us an amazing movie experience that up until now a lot of young movie lovers probably only found in pirated porn movies they got on the internet. If you haven’t seen The Avengers yet I recommend you do so as soon as possible, plus it’s always better on the big screen and all that jazz.  #NoBarryRonge

Best of SAMA 18

The biggest awards show for the South African music industry took place once on the 30^th of April. Poor production value has always overshadowed the awards but this year I think we were all pleasantly surprised.  First was the yellow carpet pre-show Lights Camera Fashion which was very well put together and a relief considering that previous yellow carpet shows wouldn’t have been worth watching even if they had the secret to hitting the Powerball every week. Past SAMA shows in general have been a flop only men with erectile dysfunction could probably relate to. This year was excellent however and I gotta give props to the organisers of the event. 

And I also have to give a special mention to all the beautiful women we have in the SA entertainment industry, such as Bonang, Zizo Beda, Minnie Dlamini, Boity and others. It would be nice to see more of you, I’m not suggesting you make sex-tapes or anything but if you did I would be more than happy to buy them. Say no to piracy and all that stuff.

Now on to the winners:

3 cuts in his eye brow tryin to wild out

Best pop went to Lloyd Cele. The oval shaped Idols runner up did well and showed that talent contest can produce solid careers.

Mouth writing cheques his award cabinet CAN cash out

AKA walked off with best male artist and best street urban hop rap alternative... something. Can the SAMA judges just call it hip hop please?  Couch critics once again went on about how arrogant the dude is.

What can I say about this human fruit salad?

DJ Cleo and his sex slaves a.k.a. The Teddy Bears got The Special Award: Best music download. An award I also like to call “I don’t believe they found people that give a shit about this award”.

Danger, Mampintsha and Mashesha... I think.

Best Kwaito went to Big Nuz. Durban artists are definitely still killing it but I think they should start wearing name tags because like their fellow best group nominees, MiCasa, some people are still convinced it is actually one person, the extra large guy I think.

Best group... oh sorry wrong pic

Well kinda looks the same

 MiCasa won best duo or group and record of the year. Those other two dudes need to step up into the spotlight with the (remind us every week that you’re Portuguese) whit guy now, cos it’s starting to look like one of those fraudulent BEE partnerships. That aside the dudes are making great music.

8th wonder

But the SAMAS were without a doubt Zahara’s night. The awards she won totally overshadowed the recent controversial rumours around TS Records management converting her into their own personal slot machine. Good thing she thanked them in a couple of her acceptance speeches or else we know who wasn’t gonna get air time this month.

Special mentions:

The King Don Father

Shout out to Mandla Spikiri, the kwaito performance was excellent. And much recpect to him and Ishmael for being the coolest grand parents on the music scene.

Witness the fitness

Minnie Dlamini just cos I can and she brought the heat to the awards. I would definitely let you let me hit it on the first date.

ZCCMB

Moria to Miami bitch.

I think Lil Wayne is an ok rapper but sometimes, like his sense of style, he tries to wrap a piece of dog shit in a red ribbon and sell it to us. This look he’s rocking, we’ll call the ZCCMB, is sure to be a hit with fans that have no intention of ever having sex and the blind. It pains me to say Lil Wayne has lent his questionable fashion sense to his new clothing range TRUKFIT or ‘The Reason You Kill For It’ launched late 2011, a skater/ street wear line inspired by his upbringing in New Orleans. Oh yeah Mr. Young TuneShit is also a skater now, unfortunately he’s as much of a skater as Birdman is Tony Hawk’s twin brother.Weezy is also creative director of TRUFIT and has compared his design process to the way he freestyles in the booth.  So a good t-shirt would go something like “I’m a venereal disease like a menstrual bleed through the pencil and leak the sheet of the tablet in my mind cuz I don’t write shit cuz I ain’t got time...”  If that’s anything to go by he might as well make his t-shirts out of 2-ply. But to be totally honest the t-shirts and caps look pretty good but I feel like the designs aren’t far off from what we’ve seen from Ice Cream, BBC and Kid Robot.  That’s all good but if I see any kids that are close friends or family with their feet wrapped in wads of toilet paper rocking the ZCCMB look in a mall I’ll be forced to slap the F-Baby out of them.

Check out the gear at https://www.trukfit.com/.

I'll get you bitch!

This is one of the funniest things I've seen in a while. Dudes gets struck in the chest with a taser and still has time to make threat like it's all good. I wonder if he got that bitch he was talking about.

"I can't believe you're sober"

The statement that is sure to lead to a meaningless conversation filled with awkward silence and smiles as fake an SABC board member’s credentials. I don’t totally blame people that say this to me; I have been known to dabble in the fine art of sauce artistry on many occasions, but it’s no way to start a conversation.                                                                                                                               

Drinking and partying just go hand-in-hand for the majority of us and unfortunately so does losing cell phones, car keys and relationships in some cases. I have actually come to the conclusion that cell phones, socks, and relationships and ex Jam Alley presenters all disappear to the same place eventually.  I’m not the type to get aggressive and lose my mind when I drink so there are definitely other factors at play. We’ve all seen those guys that are just naturally aggressive and drinking only adds fuel, really overpriced fuel, to the fire.  Guys have been known to start a fight because another guy looked at his girlfriend, although there are those guys that will stare at a girl with the intensity of a morbidly obese guy watching reruns of Cake Boss. I fortunately only subscribe to the drink-and-be-merry and occasionally lose personal belongings crowd.                                                                   

But back to the disappointment caused by my sobriety. I think social networks are also partly to blame for random profile pictures and avatars’ deciding it’s ok to start a conversation with a statement that’s almost as offensive as Rihanna’s vocal range. People are bound to get comfortable with you if you let them in on your thoughts and activities all day on the various social networks available. I still have to wonder about those people with habits far worse than drinking that have turned their bodies into a biochemical hazard that would make Chernobyl look like a McDonalds Play Place. They are still able to approach me in a club and say “OMG Geeza I can’t believe you’re sober!” while I just smile and nod when what I really  want to say is “I can’t believe you’re alive” which isn’t mean at all considering the fact that the last time I saw such people they were up to their eye balls in Columbian marching powder.